Why'd the chicken cross the road?

DR. PHIL: The problem we have here is that this chicken won't realize that he must first deal with the problem on "THIS" side of the road before it goes after the problem on the "OTHER SIDE" of the road. What we need to do is help him realize how stupid he's acting by not taking on his "CURRENT" problems before adding "NEW" problems.

OPRAH: Well I understand that the chicken is having problems, which is why he wants to cross this road so bad. So instead of having the chicken learn from his mistakes and take falls, which is a part of life, I'm going to give this chicken a car so that he can just drive across the road and not live his life like the rest of the chickens.

GEORGE W. BUSH: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road, or not. The chicken is either against us, or for us. There is no middle ground here.

DONALD RUMSFELD: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

ANDERSON COOPER/CNN: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

JOHN KERRY: Although I voted to let the chicken cross the road, I am now against it! It was the wrong road to cross, and I was misled about the chicken's intentions. I am for it now, and will remain against it.

JUDGE JUDY: That chicken crossed the road because he's GUILTY! You can see it in his eyes and the way he walks.

PAT BUCHANAN: To steal the job of a decent, hardworking American.

MARTHA STEWART: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level.


DR SEUSS: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY: To die in the rain. Alone.

GRANDPA: In my day we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough.

BARBARA WALTERS: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

ARISTOTLE: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

BILL GATES: I have just released eChicken2006, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your check book. Internet explorer is an integral part of eChicken. The Platform is much more stable and will never cra...#@&&^( C \..... reboot.

ALBERT EINSTEIN: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

BILL CLINTON: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

AL GORE: I invented the chicken!

COLONEL SANDERS: Did I miss one?

AUTHOR UNKNOWN

Empty Egg

AUTHOR UNKNOWN
The Empty Egg

Eight year old Steven was mentally handicapped. His problem seemed to be getting worse day by day, and was becoming more apparent to his school teacher and also to his classmates. The teacher was becoming worried about how the other students would treat him. She wondered if they would continue to identify with him, love him, and include him in their games and activities as they became aware of his differences.

In April, the teacher asked the class to each put together one plastic Easter egg filled with a small object that represented new life in the spring.

Thinking that Steven did not catch on, and not wanting to embarrass him, the teacher had the children place the plastic eggs on her desk so that she could open them. The first egg contained a tiny wildflower. The teacher acknowledged that the flower was truly an indication of new life. The little girl that brought the flower was overjoyed and told the class that it was her egg.

Next came a rock. The teacher thought that this must be Steven's, since rocks do not symbolize new life or growth. But as she opened the egg with the rock in it, a little boy shouted from the back of the room that the rock had moss on it, and that is new life. The teacher agreed. A butterfly flew out of the next egg, and the little girl that brought it bragged that the butterfly was the best indication of new life thus far.

The fourth egg was empty! The teacher thought that this had to be Steven's egg, so she nervously passed it by and quickly moved on to the next egg. But Steven announced that the empty egg was his. Hesitating, the teacher replied, "But Steven, it's empty." "That's right," said little Steven, "Just like Jesus' tomb, and that means new life for everyone!

Later that same summer, Steven's condition worsened, and he died. At the funeral, on the casket, the children had nestled plastic Easter eggs among the flowers. Some people that did not know the story were puzzled; but no floral spray, no matter how beautiful, could ever convey the wonderful message those empty eggs told. And empty tomb some two thousand years earlier gave Steven the hope of a new life.

Who will take the son?

A wealthy man and his son loved to collect rare works of art.
They had everything in their collection, from Picasso to Raphael.
They would often sit together and admire the great works of art.
When the Vietnam conflict broke out, the son went to war.
He was very courageous and died in battle while rescuing another soldier.
The father was notified and grieved deeply for his only son.
About a month later, just before Christmas, there was a knock at the door.
A young man stood at the door with a large package in his hands.
He said, "Sir, you don't know me, but I am the soldier for whom your son gave his life.
He saved many lives that day, and he was carrying me to safety
when a bullet struck him in the heart and he died instantly.
He often talked about you, and your love for art."
The young man held out this package.
"I know this isn't much. I'm not really a great artist, but I think your son would have wanted you
to have this."
The father opened the package.
It was a portrait of his son, painted by the young man.
He stared in awe at the way the soldier had captured the
personality of his son in the painting.
The father was so drawn to the eyes that his own eyes welled up with tears.
He thanked the young man and offered to pay him for the picture.
"Oh, no sir, I could never repay what your son did for me. It's a gift."
The father hung the portrait over his mantle.
Every time visitors came to his home he took them to see the portrait of his son before he showed them any of the other great works he had collected.

The man died a few months later.

There was to be a great auction of his paintings
Many influential people gathered, excited over seeing the great paintings and having an opportunity to purchase one for their collection.
On the platform sat the painting of the son
The auctioneer pounded his gavel.
"We will start the bidding with this picture of the son. Who will bid for this picture?"

There was silence.
Then a voice in the back of the room shouted,
"We want to see the famous paintings. Skip this one."
But the auctioneer persisted. "Will somebody bid for this painting. Who will start the bidding? $100,
$200?"
Another voice angrily. "We didn't come to see this painting. We came to see the Van Goghs, the Rembrandts. Get on with the real bids!"
But still the auctioneer continued. "The son! The son! Who'll take the son?"
Finally, a voice came from the very back of the room. It was the longtime gardener of the man and his son. "I'll give $10 for the painting." Being a poor man, it was all he could afford.
"We have $10, who will bid $20?"
"Give it to him for $10. Let's see the masters."
"$10 is the bid, won't someone bid $20?"
The crowd was becoming angry. They didn't want the picture of the son.
They wanted the more worthy investments for their collections.
The auctioneer pounded the gavel. "Going once, twice, SOLD for $10!"
A man sitting on the second row shouted, "Now let's get on with the collection!"
The auctioneer laid down his gavel. "I'm sorry, the auction is over."
"What about the paintings?"
"I am sorry. When I was called to conduct this auction, I was told of a secret stipulation in the will. I was not allowed to reveal that stipulation until this time. Only the painting of the son would be auctioned. Whoever bought that painting would inherit the entire estate, including the paintings.
The man who took the son gets everything!"

God gave His son 2,000 years ago to die on the cross.
Much like the auctioneer, His message today is: "The son, the son, who'll take the son?"
Because, you see, whoever takes the Son gets everything.
And it is free and it is available to us all, there is no bidding required!



FOR GOD SO LOVED THE WORLD HE GAVE HIS ONLY BEGOTTEN SON, WHO SO EVER BELIEVETH, SHALL HAVE ETERNAL LIFE...THAT'S LOVE

Jelly Beans

Author: Unknown

Wouldn't it be nice if we looked at people
and jelly beans and liked them all?
And we didn't just choose the people
that we thought were pretty or smart,
Or ate just the red or black jelly beans
because they were our favorite flavors,
But realized that people and jelly beans
come in a variety
and we can enjoy something about each one
and love them for what they are...

Author: Unknown

Red is for the blood HE gave
Green is for the grass HE made
Yellow is for His sun so bright
Orange is for the edge of night

Black is for the sins we made
White is for the grace HE gave
Purple is for HIS hour of sorrow
Pink is for our new tomorrow

A bag full of jelly beans
colorful and sweet
Is a prayer, is a promise,
Is a dear one's treat!
HAPPY EASTER

Doughnuts and the Atonement

The Donut Master (I don’t know the author received in an email)

There was a boy by the name of Steve who was attending high school where Brother “C” taught seminary. Bro. “C” had an open-door policy and would take in any student who had been thrown out of another class as long as they would abide by his rules. Steve had been kicked out of his sixth period and no other teacher wanted him, so he went into Brother “C’s” seminary class. Steve was told that he could not be late, so he arrived just seconds before the bell rang, and he would sit in the very back of the room. He would also be the first to leave when class was over. One day, Brother “C” asked Steve to stay after class so he could talk with him. Brother “C” said, “You think you’re pretty tough, don’t you?” Steve’s answer was, “Yeah, I do.” Then Brother “C” asked, “How many pushups can you do?” Steve said, “I do about 200 every night.” “200? That’s pretty good, Steve,” Brother “C” said.  “Do you think you could do 300?” Steve replied, “I don’t know … I’ve never done 300 at a time.” “Do you think you could?” again asked Brother “C”. Well I can try,” said Steve. “Can you do 300 in sets of 10? I need you to do 300 in sets of ten for this to work. Can you do it?  I need you to tell me you can do it,” Brother “C” said. Steve said, “Well .. I think I can … yeah, I can do it.” Brother “C” said, “Good! I need you to do this on Friday.”

Friday came and Steve got to class early and sat in the front of the room. When class started, Brother “C” pulled out a big box of donuts. Now these weren’t the normal kinds of donuts. They were the extra fancy BIG kind with cream centers and frosting swirls. Everyone was pretty excited. It was Friday, the last class of the day, and they were going to get an early start on the weekend. Brother “C” went to the first girl in the 1^st row and asked, “Cynthia, do you want a donut?” Cynthia said, “YES.” Brother “C” then turned to Steve and asked. “Steve, would you do 10 pushups so that Cynthia can have a donut?” Steve said, “Sure,” and jumped down from his desk to do a quick ten. Then Steve again sat in his desk. Brother “C” put a donut on Cynthia’s desk. Brother “C” went to Joe and asked, “Joe, do you want a donut?” Joe said, “Yes.” Brother “C” then turned to Steve and asked. “Steve, would you do 10 pushups so that Joe can have a donut?” Steve did 10 pushups, Joe got a donut. And so it went, down the first aisle, Steve did ten pushups for every person before they got their donuts and down the second aisle, until Bro. “C” came to Scott. Scott was captain of the football team and center of the basketball team. When Brother “C” asked, “Scott do you want a donut?” Scott’s reply was “Well , I can do my own pushups?” Bro. “C” said, “No, Steve has to do them..” Bro. “C” then turned to Steve and asked, “Steve, would you do 10 pushups so Scott can have a donut he doesn’t want?” Steve started to do ten pushups. Scott said, “Hey! I said I didn’t want one!” Bro. “C” said, “Look , this is my classroom, my class, my desks, and my donuts. Just leave it on the desk if you don’t want it.” And he put a donut on Scott’s desk. Now by this time, Steve had begun to slow down a little. He just stayed on the floor between sets because it took too much effort to be getting up and down. You could start to see a little perspiration coming out around his brow. Bro. “C” started down the 3^rd row. Now the students were beginning to get a little angry. Bro “C” asked Jenny, “Jenny, do you want a donut? Jenny said, “No.” Then Bro. “C” asked Steve, “Steve, would you do ten pushups so Jenny can have a donut that she doesn’t want?” Steve did ten, Jenny got a donut. By now, the students were beginning to say “No” and there were all these uneaten donuts on the desks. Steve was also having to really put forth a lot of effort to get these pushups done for each donut. There began to be a small pool of sweat on the floor beneath his face; his arms and brow were beginning to get red because of the physical effort involved. Bro. “C” asked Robert to watch Steve to make sure he did 10 pushups in a set because he couldn’t bear to watch all of Steve’s work for all of those uneaten donuts. So Robert began to watch Steve closely. Bro. “C” started down the 4^th row. During his class, however, some students had wandered in and sat along the heaters along the sides of the room. When Bro. “C” realized this, he did a quick count and saw 34 students in the room. He started to worry if Steve would be able to make it. Bro. “C” went on to the next person and the next and the next. Near the end of that row, Steve was really having a rough time. He was taking a lot more time to complete each set. Steve asked Bro. “C”, “Do I have to make my nose touch on each one?” Bro. “C” thought for a moment, “Well, they’re your pushups. You can do them any way that you want.” And Bro. “C” went on.A few moments later, Jason came to the room and was about to come in when all the students yelled, “NO! Don’t come in! Stay out!” Jayson didn’t know what was going on. Steve picked up his head and said, “No, let him come.” Bro. “C” said, “you realize that if Jason comes in you will have to do ten pushups for him.” Steve said, “Yes, let him come in.” Bro. ”C” said “Okay, I’ll let you get Jason’s out of the way right now, Jason, do you want a donut?” “Yes” “Steve, will you do 10 pushups so that Jason can have a donut?” Steve did 10 pushups very slowly and with great effort. Jason, bewildered, was handed a donut and sat down. Bro. “C” finished the 4^th row, then started on those seated on the heaters. Steve’s arms were now shaking with each pushup in a struggle to lift himself against the force of gravity. Sweat was dropping off of his face, and by this time, there was not a dry eye in the room. When Bro. “C” turned to the last girl, Susan. “Susan, do you want a donut?” Susan, with tears flowing down her face, asked, Bro “C”, “Can I help him?” Bro. “C”, with tears of his own, said, “No, he has to do it alone. Steve, would you do 10 pushups so Susan can have a donut?” As Steve very slowly finished his last pushup, with the understanding that he had accomplished all that was required of him, having done 350 pushups, his arms buckled beneath him and he fell to the floor. Bro. “C” turned to the room and said, “And so it was, that our Savior, Jesus Christ, plead to the Father, “into your hands I commend my spirit.: With the understanding that He had done everything that was required of Him, He collapsed on the cross and died. And like some of those in this room, many of us leave the gift on the desk, uneaten.”

Mary's Pearls

AUTHOR UNKNOWN
Mary's Pearls

There is a story told of a little girl by the name of Mary. Mary had one thing in her life that was more important to her than anything else in the world. The reason they were so important to her is because she had earned them all by herself. She had done lots and lots of chores around the house and for every chore she finished her mother would give her a little bit of money. Well she saved and saved until the day finally came when she had enough money to go and buy her plastic pearls.

When Mary got to the toy store she had the pearls on before she even got out the door. Before long EVERYONE knew how much Mary loved her pearls, she wore them to school, she wore them to church, she wore them in the sand box, she wore them to bed, she even wore them in the bathtub. Well, like I said, everyone knew how much loved her pearls

Well, one day Mary's dad came home from work, and as always, he walked in, put down his things, took off his shoes, and went over to sit in his big comfortable chair. Mary always waited for her dad to get home from work, so just when he sat down, in came Mary running through the door, and she jumped up on his lap and gave him a great big hug and a kiss and she said "Oh, Daddy, I'm so glad you're home from work. I miss you SOOOO much today! I love you Daddy." Her father replied, "I missed you too Mary. I sure do love you... But Mary, do you really love me?" Mary said, "You know I love you Dad." Her dad said, "I know, but do you REALLY, really love me?" Mary said, "Of course I love you, Dad, I tell you all the time." Dad said, "Mary, will you give me your pearls?" Mary giggled, "Don't be silly Daddy, those are my plastic pearls." Mary jumped off his lap a ran off to play.
The next day Mary's dad came home from work, put down his things, took off his shoes, and went over to sit in his big comfortable chair, in came Mary running through the door, and she jumped up on his lap and gave him a great big kiss and she said "Oh, Daddy, I'm so glad you're home from work. I miss you SOOOO much today! I love you Daddy." Her father replied, "I missed you too Mary. I love you too... But Mary, do you really love me?" Mary said, "Dad, why do you keep asking me that, you KNOW I love you" Her dad said, "I know, but do you REALLY, really love me?" Mary said, "Yes, I really, really love you." Dad said, "Mary, will you give me your pearls?" Mary just looked at him sadly, got off his lap and walked away.

And again, the next day came, Mary's dad came home from work, put down his things, took off his shoes, and went over to sit in his big comfortable chair, a few minutes later Mary came walking in the room. She walked over and got up on his lap and said "Hi Dad, I sure did miss you today." Her father replied, "I missed you too Mary." Mary said, "I sure do love you, Dad." Her dad said, "I love you too Mary, but Mary, do you really love me?" Mary's hear started beating a little faster. She knew what was coming but she said, "Yes, I really love you." Dad said, "Mary, will you give me your pearls?" Mary started to cry, and she jumped off his lap and ran to her room and she cried and cried. She couldn't understand why her dad would ask her to give up her favorite thing in the whole world. He knew how much she loved her pearls. Finally, she cried herself to sleep.

The next day Mary's dad came home from work, put down his things, took off his shoes, and went over to sit in his big comfortable chair. A little while later Mary walked into the room. She walked over to her dad and scooted herself into he lap. She just sat there for a few minutes, then she looked up at her dad, and with tears in her eyes she said, "Daddy, I love you." She opened up her little hand and gave him her plastic pearls. Just then her dad reached in her pocket and pulled out a beautiful strand of real pearls and put them around her neck.



How often does the Lord ask us to give up something good for something better?

John 14:15 If ye love me, keep my commandments.